September 23, 2012

Be Happy Always.. :)

Sometimes, it hits me terribly.. Looking at your current actions, I feel I don't recognize you anymore..
I know I gave my best, but maybe it was just not enough. Sigh. No one has an idea how I'm feeling.. Yes, I'm smiling but no, I'm not at my best.
One thing I have learned, don't trust anyone.. Never depend on another for your own happiness! I did that. I solely depended on the person I loved, in the end, what I got? Nothing!
After all that happened, I've finally looked into seeking my own happiness within. I stopped relying on anyone. I've learned to pamper myself, do things I love doing, ... And it makes me feel a whole lot better.
My heart still shatters seeing him change this much.. He moved on pretty fast while I am here still broken. Im trying my very best to gather all the broken pieces and be happy again.. If he can do it without me, definitely I can too. Since I'm not the key to his happiness, guess I'll have to find my own key to unlock my happiness.
A year ago, a friend of mine, Parsa said that at times, we just love reminiscing through what we know hurts us.. We know by looking through the past, we will get nothing but pain.. but we still do it... Cos sometimes the pain feel so good on us. We just live hurting ourselves.
Sigh. I don't know how far is this true but I wouldn't merely deny it. I do that most of the times. But each time I feel that way, I realize something new.. :) I realize what I have done and what I got back in return.. It open my eyes to shit loads of things that never occured to me before.. Guess it must be a good thing then. Lol.
I can't put into words the amount of tears I shed this time for someone who don't deserve to be the tinniest part of my life.. For someone who merely took me for granted.. For someone who never realized my worth! But its all gonna be fine as time passes by. Time heals. Lol. I can't believe I'm saying this to myself.. Hmmppphh!
As much as I'm God damn hurt, I wish you the best. I know you're happy already.. Maybe I never mattered to you as much as I thought I did. :)
God bless.

September 20, 2012

Back With A Broken Heart!

Hi people,

How have y'all been? It had been ages right? Well, I have a good explanation for why I was not here for a VERYYYYY long time. :) I was busy sorting out my life.. And of course I couldn't do much for everything is in His hands.

I had been holding myself from blogging for quite some time now.. For only one reason.. I felt I was publicizing my problems to the world. Insecurity kills me. I know there are a number of people who are looking forward towards my doomsday, just to laugh at my back when I'm down.. Hence, I felt this was not a safe channel to vent out my thoughts till..

Till I decided not to give two fucks anymore. Till a friend of mine, Pal told me to distract myself with things I love to do. So here I am, blogging once again. I'll rant, I'll crap and I'll cry while jolting my feelings here.. But I'll definitely do it. To those who wanna laugh and make my life story their gossip of the day, go ahead and do it. You can laugh at me today but remember, karma is a real bitch. :)

So let me just get to the point.. I went through a break up! Its been almost two months and I thought I'll start blogging again once I'm out of that situation but it had been pretty tough to move on.. I can't probably abandon this platform forever right? 

No one have an idea what I'm putting through behind my smile. It isn't easy but we all know, life has to go on. I can't probably end my life just because I'm heart broken now. Sigh. As much as I'm good in advising on this matter, I suck at applying it on myself. I believe that everything happens for a reason but at this point, all I'm asking for is the reason behind this shit. Why oh why? 

I seriously gotta calm the fuck down. I was in a devastating state last week and to my surprise, I was fighting my battle alone. No one was there for me, not even the person who claims that he loves me a lot. It was only God and my parents. 

My parents are the soul reason I am alive today. They give me hope to live, to believe that everything is gonna be alright. They've no idea what I'm going through, the reason behind my tears.. But they are still there, supporting me with all they have and most important of all, believing in my abilities.

I may be in this condition today but I wouldn't be in it forever, that I'm assured. I'm not at my best, but I'm better than yesterday. And as days passes by, I'm sure I'm gonna be absolutely fine one day.. :) 

As much as he gave me a reason to love him, he gave me more reasons to be in tears today. I've turned back one two many times.. No way in the world will I make the same mistake. Is definitely over and done with. It hurts, it tortures but I'm God damn sure that the day I'm out of the blue, I'd be perfectly fine. You'd be surprised to see how much I have changed. All I can say is, you've lose me completely.

I had been pulling through everyday with a smile on my face though I cry when I am alone.. That's how strong I am. Then why wouldn't I be able to leave without you? 

Memories kills. Pffttt.. As much as they killed, they taught me a lot.. And there's a lot more to learn. :)

Good night! :) Have a nice day ahead. 
And to you who broke my heart into pieces, be happy always. 

God bless.

P/S- Thank you Pal! :) I wouldn't have blogged if you did not mention it earlier. 

August 16, 2012

At This Point Of Time..

Hey people!

Been a long time huh? :) I had been extremely busy completing my final semester and of course, living my life. :) 

And guess who is officially done with the first degree? :D Your highness! ;) Yes yes, I'm done with B.A. Mass Communication! So its now time to explore the working world. :) I'm gonna miss being a student dearly. Had both good and bad times in my life being a student.. And when I look back at it all, nothing in the world is gonna replace both the amazing and dull moments I've been through. Each and every moment was a learning process, and yes, I learned A LOT!

Another good news is that I've got accepted in a multinational company for my internship, just as I hoped. I'm gonna work really hard and make the best for myself. :) Oh, I forgot to mention, I got a job at Ikano Retail Asia. Ikea is a sub-company.. ;) I've got future plans lying ahead so I have to make sure I try my best to achieve all my dreams.

For all that I have gained, first of all, I'd thank God. Without Him, I don't think I'll be where I am. My family comes next. Their support in each and every way though there were glitches in the beginning. I hope I made them proud at least. :) And not forgetting my friends and other close ones. Thanks for being there through thick and thin. I'm soooo gonna miss my uni friends, thats for sure.

Hmmmm... All seems to be going well.. I hope. Things in my personal life had been kinda shaky but I know I'll pull through it. Been there done that, I'm sure I have the strength to go through this once again. Nah, I'm not gonna discuss anything here for I shall keep this private. Life does not always work the way you want it to, that I've learned. Hence, I'm tired of putting too high of an expectation on anything at all. Just go with the flow baybehhh!

I also believe that God has it all set up for you. We walk the life He planned. And of course it won't rain for too long.. I'm sure the sun will shine again. When He takes one, He gives another. Sick and tired of the emotional roller coaster I'm in but the roller coaster has to stop spinning at a point yeah? Just that way, my heart will stop aching.

I've got a lot too say but I don't have the urge to publicize my life problems on a global platform. I shall save all that for that God damn diary in my phone. :) Take care people. Life is short. You live only once. Make the best out of it. Throw the rubbish in the bin, pick up the pieces and move on with life. Thank you God for testing me. You make me learn to be a better person.

Till we meet again. :)

July 19, 2012

Crossroads Once Again..

So again I went missing.. :) Well, expect that from me. :)

I've nothing much to say. Just dropping by to say HELLO and to give y'all an idea that I'm still alive. And no, I never drank and drive anymore. :D Proud of myself though. And to an anonymous who suggested me to quit drinking, well, I'm not gonna do that as soon. I'm young you see. :) Will definitely not drink and drive anymore. Previous lesson taught me well. :)

So here I am, at the crossroads once again.. Confused, sad, upset, feeling literally fucked up. I hate mix emotions for I suck at controlling it. :/ Okay, ignore that. I don't feel like speaking further. I've got a lot in mind and LOTSSSS of plans sorted out.. I just hope everything falls in place just as planned.

I'm off for now and will catch up soon. Do miss me. :)

Take care.

June 3, 2012

When Life Is At Its Edge.. Sigh.

Hey peeps.. How are y'all? Hope everyone is doing good. Cheers for I'm still alive. Last night was crazy!

Haizzzz... Where shall I start? :( Aite. My good friend from Miri who's studying in Australia now came down. We decided to meet up since it had been ages.. So yeah, we decided to meet at Souled Out, Hartamas around 9+. Guess what I head in mind as I was leaving the house? A night full of laughter, stories, drinks, fun.. and more fun! But as usual, God have got His plans and things never seem to fall according to our plans.

As I was finding my way to Souled Out, I almost killed a motorcyclist. It was quite dark and I needed to turn right. I was kinda blur for I've not been there before. As I was turning right, a motorcyclist tried overtaking me. I put my signal at the very last minute not noticing the bike.. Yes, my fault. As I was turning right, I could hear honk and I couldn't stop just there or he'll hit the front portion of my car. I was panicked and didn't know what to do. Next thing I heard, BOOMM! I felt the impact.. Drove to the corner and parked. Came out from the car to see. My bumper was scratched. Sigh. What a start to a night out? 

Honestly, I had no idea what to do. I suck at all this for it never happened to me before. And when it did, I was never there alone. So yea.. I was damn blur. Luckily there was this Chinese man who saw the entire thing happening. He said its equally our fault. If I'm to lodge a police report, both of us may have to pay RM300 and since the other guy is on a bike, the entire blame would be on me. Sigh. I knew I couldn't do much. So yea, since the condition isn't that bad and the motorcyclist was fine, fuck it lar. 

Now.. That was the first incident.. And no, that's not about it. As I was at Souled Out, Sunil called me. He said Santosh got involved in an accident and its quite bad. For a moment, I couldn't digest what I heard as I was already blurring out on alcohol. Sunil hung up on me. I didn't bother calling them for I thought they were busy sorting out things.. I didn't know it as a major accident till the last call I got from Sunil. I didn't know what to do cos by then Sunil  already at the police station. Well, I wouldn't wanna go into too much details, but yes, the accident was BAD! And it also involved a motorcyclist. A woman this time. 

The incident is similar to mine, just that I was lucky enough that the motorcyclist manage to escape on my side as he wasn't riding on a high speed but this woman was speeding. She flew from the bike and hit Santosh's windscreen. She collapsed right away. Now, this was severe. For fuck sake, I didn't know what was running through my head. I was literally mind fucked.  The alcohol took a toll on me that I couldn't react at the news. And till this very moment, I can't seem to forgive myself for not being there while the two people I love were traumatized. Seriously! WTF was on my mind? :(

Sigh. Other than this two incidents, lemme tell you another two more. While driving to Enigma, I almost hit Tina's car. Thank God I managed to pull an emergency brake. At Enigma, Tina almost hit my car while reversing. She didn't realize I double parked behind her car. Oh.. I forgot.. Another one. While driving to Castle after Enigma, my car went up the divider while I was trying to call Sunil. Thank God I realized it just in time or I would have gotten into a massive accident on my own. And thank God there were no police patrol cars anywhere nearby or I would have gotten into a deep shit for the mess I created myself.

At this very moment of time, I thank God that everyone is safe. Santosh is a little traumatized and I'm traumatized myself for I've never went through so many incidents in a day. For the first time in my life, I experienced death three times within a few hours but with God's blessing, I'm still here typing this. Thank God nothing severe happened to Santosh and Sunil as well. :( It was just a bad night. Sigh. 

May 31, 2012

WTF Shall I Do Now? :/

I'm fucking bored! :( Killing time at the library before class. My God. 

Thanks to the existence of technology. Thanks to the existence of laptop. Thanks to the existence of smart phones. Thanks to the existence of Internet. Thanks to the existence of Whatsapp. OMG! I don't know what I'm crapping about. LOL!

I don't feel like attending class later. I wanna go home and sleep. It had been a long day. Oh gosh! Did I tell you the feeling of completing an assignment on time? And of course handing it up on time? Heaven I tell you.. :) Can't wait for this sem to be over and I'll be officially done with Uni. :D

Okay. Now let me say something sensible at least. Hmmmm... 

Did I just tell you that I'll be done with Uni? Yea. I wasn't lying. I'll be done in three months.. Actually two months and a half. Then what? Internship for another four months. Then? Work? My God. You've got no idea what had been running through my mind lately.. 

Look.. As I grew up, I've always pictured myself as a lawyer, in black and white formal clothes, fighting for cases in court. Never once I thought I'd do something different. Law had always been my passion and at this point of life, I'm wondering, why on earth was I thinking when I enrolled myself in Mass Comm? Dafuq?!

I've been having this dilemma of what I'll end up doing in life. How if I start working in some advertising company and I don't reach the expectations of my boss? And he chooses to fire me? What the fuck will I do? Jobless? Seriously, I'm not exaggerating but I seriously have no idea what's my next step in life. I hope all goes well. 

And nahhh... Law is not outta my mind yet. That's one thing I MUST do before I die. LOL. :D

If anyone have an advise, do delight me with your thoughts. Seeeee yaaaa! :D

Juan.. The Day Dreamer! ;)

Juan is always in her own world. ;) she is a dreamer. But she's adorable and she's my friend. :) I wish I can take a picture of her right now cos she's all purple.
If you're wondering who this Juan is.. Well, check out the pic. :D